The police in Ohio are offering a new service this holiday season. If you give them your child they will give you a complimentary tazing on the back of your neck (while supplies last). Here is the latest example:

Happy holidays!

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Filed under: The Homeland

As a public service, freedomandshit.org has prepared the following comprehensive voters guide. We’ll do the thinking, You pull the lever. This is only a list of candidates who are on the teevee because if they aren’t on television they DO NOT EXIST. I’d like to thank the freedomandshit.org volunteers and staff who spent countless nights and drank endless cups of coffee preparing this.

And yes, you can print this off and start handing it out in the streets.

Former New York City Mayor Rudolph W. “Rudy” Giuliani (New York): Fucking fascist

Former Governor Michael D. “Mike” Huckabee (Arkansas): Nanny-state loving bible-thumper

Congressman Duncan L. Hunter (California): Have no idea who he is

US Senator John S. McCain III (Arizona): He’s one queen of hearts playing card away from taking orders from the Vietcong

Congressman Ron Paul (Texas): If you really must vote, RonPaul is your guy.

Former Governor W. Mitt Romney (Massachusetts): Why run for president when you’ll get your own planet one day?

Congressman Thomas G. “Tom” Tancredo (Colorado):Love/hate relationship with Mexicans. He loves to hate them.

Former Tennessee US Senator Fred Dalton Thompson: Direct from central casting.

Note: We made every attempt to thoughtfully weigh candidates using an algorithm that factored in such items such as their voting record, gender, height, appearances on Leno, sex appeal, age, use of the American flag, number of men killed on the battlefield, number of men killed in the heat of passion and favorite dessert.

If you disagree with our recommendations you can go fuck yourself.

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Filed under: Mock the Vote