It’s all over, folks. The Great Immigration Debate has come to an end, and the illegals won. In case you haven’t heard, Tom Tancredo has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination, throwing all of his native-born support to “Catcher” Mitt Romney. Naturally, though, there are two sides to the story.

On the downside, our nation is now on an unstoppable slide toward a cultural nightmare in which Mexican-speaking people will be free to do things previously reserved for real Americans like drive cars and order Philly cheese steaks. Chilling, I agree. On the upside, the real pools of Orange County will continue to sparkle, as will the china and stemware at fine dining establishments across the nation. Basically, it’ll be rough on people who no habla the espanol, but good for those looking for cheap nannies and an elegantly plated cheese course. You people know who you are.

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Filed under: The Homeland

BREAKING NEWS:

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Firefighters battled thick smoke and flames inside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, next door to the White House, on Wednesday.

…

The building, built between 1871 and 1888, is located across a driveway from the White House and houses the vice president’s offices.

Early reports suggest that the fire started at the building because Cheney left the portal door to Hell ajar.

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Filed under: Profiles in Governance

Friday is “World Orgasm Day.” While one would think a day like this would just be for getting one’s jollies, there is a deeper and more meaningful purpose to this (other than the obligatory post-coital cuddle):

The day works like this: people from all over the world are encouraged to synchronise their orgasms at the exact moment of the Summer Solstice, which Down Under occurs this Friday at 5:08pm. This is supposed to bring positive energy to the earth, promote peace, engender empathy, compassion and love, and even combat global warming.

So, who wants to sleep with me to save the planet?

via Fark.

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Filed under: Sexxx

What is it that makes activists incapable of having a sense of humor? Whether it’s conservatives who get their holy undergarments in a twist over a community street fair or leftists freaking out over a simple bake sale, the answer to anything they don’t like always seems to be screeching like a bitch. Which, in their defense, they’re extremely good at.

The latest horror story? Greenpeace has discovered that the Japanese are torturing whales. By…making them wear Santa hats. It’s just all too shocking:

It’s a scene that brings laughter and cheers from visitors to a Japanese aquarium - two white beluga whales wearing Santa hats.

But environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale in a country that hunts them down with harpoons.

The beluga whales have been fitted out with the cute Santa hats to entertain the crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island.

There’s even a chance to receive a wet kiss under the mistletoe from a yuletide beluga.

The Daily Mail doesn’t take the story to it’s natural end, though. I’m sure there is more activist outrage to be had. Human rights groups will no doubt protest that the whales - who, being Japanese, are probably practitioners of Shinto traditions - are being forced to don Christian-affiliated items. The Christians will protest that this is a trivialization of Christmas, as there were no beluga whales in the barn with the sheep and camels when Baby Jesus was born. And Rick Santorum will proclaim that he was right all along about  gay marriage leading to bestiality; after all, people in Japan are now paying for the chance to make out with whales - in public!

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

From the WSJ:

MOUNT LAUREL, N.J. — Mary and Joseph were headed for Bethlehem when the donkey hauling the Virgin spooked, bucked her and bolted. Joseph frantically jumped on the donkey’s hind end but fell off and got caught in the reins. The creature kept going, dragging Joseph behind for several hundred feet before it finally settled down.

That mishap, of course, doesn’t appear in the Bible. It’s from a so-called living nativity scene that was performed here two years ago at the Fellowship Baptist Church.

Oh Lord. It gets better:

Pastor Wallin himself was a victim of a sheep gone wild one year at Fellowship Baptist’s living nativity, which still features a small flock of the wooly mammals. He tried to stop the fleeing sheep by squeezing it between his legs and ended up going for a ride, backward, before falling off.

Jesus may not go with evolution, but he obviously gets along fabulously with the market:

As the popularity of living nativity scenes has spread to urban areas with little access to farm animals, churches shell out upwards of $1,000 per animal (or $3,000 per camel) to rent out friendly beasts from handlers and other businesses that have sprouted up to cater to them.

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Filed under: Consumerism Rulez, Jesus is Magic

The St. Petersburg Times is reporting today on the hilarious case of Methodist minister Brian James, and his falling away from God’s good graces. It seems that Brian has become addicted to jerking off in front of his computer. Or, as he put it in a message to his congregation, “I need to share with you that I have developed an addiction to adult online pornography.” Adult, folks! No kiddies here.

Let’s be honest here - the practice of self-pleasure via online video is hardly rare these days. What, I’m wondering, qualifies it in the minister’s mind as an addiction? Is he, even now, going through Trainspotting-style withdrawl symptoms? Poor fella. If so, I’m going to give him the advice for survival that Renton gave himself. Here are the necessary supplies:

Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography [print, not online].

Despite not knowing what the fuck “paracetamol” is, I’m sure that with these supplies and the love and support of your friends and family, Mr. James, you’ll kick that addiction to online adult pornography. Just remember, it could be worse - you could have been exposed as the author of a series of Xena slash fic stories.

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic

Forget the Tea Party money missle thing, the real Ron Paul campaign news came to me from one of my niche Facebook groups this afternoon: Andrew Sullivan is endorsing our man from Texas! Expect to see a polling surge even more effective than the one in Iraq.

Of course, he’s only endorsing Paul for the Republican nomination. He’s also endorsed Obama for the Democratic nomination. Hmmm. Only a man with as subtle a mind as Sullivan, it seems, is able to simultaneously think that both Ron Paul and Barack Obama should be President. I guess someone who thinks he can also be both gay and Catholic clearly knows something I don’t. I, of course, have no President but Jesus, but I’m going to be flexible this election cycle and settle for a strict constructionist obstetrician instead.

With me, Sullivan, John Mayer and Doug Stanhope all on board, there’s no way we can lose.

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Filed under: Mock the Vote

As a rabid political conservative, I hate Hillary Clinton on principal; let that be clear. Whether it’s her effort to turn my local private hospital into a Clinico Revolutionario Chevista or her stubborn insistence on being both a woman and a U.S. senator, she really grinds my gears. This week, however, brings fresh outrage. Reading the only news website that matters, I discover that she made remarks in an Iowa stump speech which may cause me to rely entirely on Cialis for my future boner-generating needs:

Standing atop a stage in a livestock auction barn, Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton likened the experience to her quest to woo undecided voters in the closing days before Iowa’s pivotal caucuses. “I’ve been to cattle barns before and sales before, in Arkansas, but I’ve never felt like I was the one that was being bid on,” Clinton told a crowd in western Iowa. “I know you’re going to inspect me. You can look inside my mouth if you want.”

I would seriously rather be the craft services supervisor on the set of Two Girls One Cup 2: Corn for Dinner than “inspect” Hillary by looking into her mouth or anywhere else. I’m going to need some serious xtube time to get that image out of my mind.

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Filed under: Mock the Vote

In an inadvertent trade-off that unquestionably drew an utterance of “Duuuuude!” heard ’round the world (of video-gaming), some unfortunate stoner’s father sold his gift copy of “Guitar Hero III” on Ebay for a $9000 profit:

“So I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn’t wait to spread the jubilance to my son,” the father wrote on the eBay website.

“Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends.”

The man, a school teacher, who kept his identity private, said he sold the coveted video game to punish his son and discourage him from smoking dope.

The sale was a boon for the family’s bank account, since the game the father purchased for 90 dollars (US) was finally sold to an Australian who plunked down 9,100 dollars for it.

Of course, this probably means much more to the American father than to the Australian purchaser since the U.S. dollar is fast becoming the pocket-lint of western currencies.

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Filed under: Consumerism Rulez, Pop! Goes the Culture

Police are the personified weapons of the state who often go too far and abuse their power. Their behavior should be monitored, checked, and when appropriate, the cops should be sternly disciplined for overstepping their executive prerogative.

All that being said, this genius sounds like he had it coming:

CATONSVILLE, Md. (AP) - Baltimore County police say an officer shot a 24-year-old man who used pepper spray on his partner, then ran at them with a machete.

…

[Police spokesman] Hill says the officers retreated onto the balcony of the man’s home. At that point, he charged them with a machete and the officer who hadn’t been pepper-sprayed opened fire.

Here is a corny yet useful video explaining how you should deal with police if you happened to get pulled over with weed in your car, have a loud kegger at your house, or if you happen to be black and minding your own business.

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Filed under: Freedom Meets Darwin, Profiles in Governance