What better way for a new author to break the ice with her readership than by writing about abortion? (Insert your own dead-baby joke here).

I, for one, love abortion. Actually, I didn’t know I was such a fan until I read this nifty little article this morning.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has drafted a rule that would call it abortion when a contraceptive prevents a fertilized egg from embedding itself in the uterine wall . . . That’s one of the ways many birth-control pills and intrauterine devices work. And if that’s abortion, millions of women who didn’t know they were pregnant — who medically weren’t pregnant — have killed their unborn children.

(For those of you unfamiliar with female plumbing, here’s a detailed chart that will almost certainly make you blush if your coworkers catch you viewing it).

Now that I’ve been informed, I’d like to come out as an avid supporter of abortion. A “little miracle” in its own right, abortion (commonly known as “contraception”) allows me to have as much sex as I want, without having to worry about getting, you know, all pregnant and fat and shit.

Unfortunately, a little snafu comes up if the HHS were to re-label “birth control” as “abortion pills.” Medical health professionals are protected by law from being required to perform abortions if they disagree with the practice on personal moral grounds. So, if this lame attempt at linguistic engineering were to become law, any doctor who has hang-ups about shoving a vacuum up his patients’ vajayjays, could also, in theory, legally refuse to provide patients with more conventional contraceptives.

Taken to the extreme, a widespread “zygotist” movement could leave many women with no alternative to being fat and pregnant and shit. Single women who shop with Jeebus lovin’ pharmacists could be turned away from the counter. Poor women who rely on federal medical programs for birth control could be forced to either begin keeping their knees together, or face adding yet another dependent to their welfare application forms. And rape victims –even the ones who were asking for it — could be denied emergency contraception in emergency rooms. Think about that last one: how many rapist-sired babies do we really want in this country?

Here at F&S, we have differing views on abortion. It’s one of the few topics that have never come up during happy hour, and we’re fine with that. We can probably all agree that federal money shouldn’t be used to coerce doctors into performing procedures they find morally reprehensible. However, we are strongly united against “morally” coercive legal “protections” that are used to influence others–especially single, childless chicks who like sex.

Filed under: Politics is Personal, Sexxx