And statistics:

More than 90 percent of Americans — including one in five people who say they are atheists — believe in God or a universal power, and more than half pray at least once a day, according to results of a poll released today that takes an in-depth look at Americans’ religious beliefs.

I guess “or universal power” is a significant qualifier, but the teaser link to the story said “More than 90 percent of Americans — including one in five people who say they are atheists — believe in God.”

I was no math major, but honestly.

Regardless, all this adds up to a simple conclusion: people are stupid.

You’re not stupid because you believe in God–it could be a wholly separate reason–but if you’re a self-proclaimed atheist who believes in God, then yes, you’re a moron.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic

A science teacher in Ohio done lost his mind:

MOUNT VERNON, Ohio (AP) - A public school teacher preached his Christian beliefs despite complaints by other teachers and administrators and used a device to burn the image of a cross on students’ arms, according to a report by independent investigators. Mount Vernon Middle School teacher John Freshwater also taught creationism in his science class and was insubordinate in failing to remove a Bible and other religious materials from his classroom, the report said.

…

“With the exception of the cross-burning episode … I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district,” he told The Columbus Dispatch in a story published Friday.

Several students interviewed by investigators described Freshwater, who has been employed by the school district for 21 years, as a great guy.

CORRECTION: People in Ohio have gone batshit crazy. Jeebus lover or not, what could have been the thought process which led a man to burn his students–and then be defended as “a great guy”???

Other findings show that Freshwater taught that carbon dating was unreliable to argue against [sic] evolution.

I will assume that the AP writer goofed and meant to write “in favor of evolution” or “against Creationism,” because I can’t imagine that anyone–no matter how misguided and stupid as this guy is–would even contemplate using carbon dating to disprove evolution. Otherwise, he’s the worst teacher in the history of Jeebus Science–and that is saying something.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic

From (a letter to) NRO:

[W]e all knew Bush was an incompetent dolt and a liar a long time ago. After all, 50.1% of the country saw this back in 2000. Now 75% of the country realizes it. The other 25% would vote for a chimpanzee if he said he loved Jesus, hated gays and was opposed to abortion.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, Profiles in Governance, Mock the Vote

In a post game interview, Memphis coach John Calipari said that as his team was at the free throw line — the most glaring weakness of that stellar team — approaching the end of regulation, he left it all up to the Big Guy in the sky:

Calipari tried to recapture his thoughts from the final 10 seconds of regulation. It was a religious experience.

“When Derrick went to the line, I sat there and I said, ‘Lord, if he makes these two, we’re supposed to be national champs. And if that’s your will, I’m fine with it. If he misses them, and we’re not, I’m fine with that too.’ I’m probably not supposed to say that, but that’s where I was.”

That’s right. It’s not just rap stars and boxers, anymore. Now loathsome coaches who refuse to teach fundamentals give all power to Jebus — who is most obviously a Jayhawks fan.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

There is an interesting op-ed in the LA Times today, detailing the life of a private citizen who wiretapped for the government, then the mob (because it paid better), and then found Jebus.

Through [mafioso Mickey] Cohen, my father met other leaders of organized crime from across the country. One day, he was approached by a man known as “St. Louis Andy.” Andy wanted my father to design an electronic system for holding back horse racing results coming over the Continental Wire Service. My father accepted the job and put together a system of Teletype equipment and other electronic components so they could withhold race results for about 90 seconds, during which time they would flash the winners to co-workers, who would place illegal off-track bets in other parts of the country. For example, Andy and my father tried out the system in Arizona and withheld all the race results coming into Southern California. They cleaned up.

Dad was supposed to go to St. Louis on Nov. 10, 1949, to set up a system to control illegal off-track betting in the Western half of the United States. However, my father never made that meeting, because on Nov. 6, he happened to attend a revival tent meeting at the corner of Washington Boulevard and Hill Street in downtown Los Angeles, where a young preacher named Billy Graham was speaking.

That night, Graham preached on the passage in the Gospels in which Jesus queried, “What shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world but lose his own soul?” My father felt as if God were speaking directly to him. He committed his life to Jesus Christ that night and immediately set about repaying everyone he had ever cheated or from whom he had stolen. On Nov. 8, the Los Angeles Times ran the headline: “Wiretapper Vaus Hits Sawdust Trail.”

That’s nice. Find Jebus = stop spying on people.

But what the hell do you do when the guy spying on you already found Jebus?

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Profiles in Governance, The Homeland

As noted in Suetonius’s last post, government lackeys will be going door-to-door asking residents to voluntarily turn over their first born sons…or I mean asking permission to search homes for contraband. The terror that such action strikes in the hearts of liberty lubbers should reverberate well beyond the borders of the district. But any action needs to emanate from D.C.

My suggestion: Let’s help them.

Make their job a little easier by letting them know ahead of time that you do NOT give them permission to search your home. I suggest putting a red sash on your door, signifying that the cops can Passover your residence.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, The Homeland

468 A.D. St. Simplicius replaces Pope Hilarius, putting an end to the papal stand-up routine.

1634 Samuel Cole flips the bird to New England puritans by opening America’s first tavern in Boston.

1791 The government finally realizes that citizens aren’t willing to fight back anymore and passes the 1st Internal Revenue Act (taxing distilled spirits & carriages)

1917 Lame–Congress passes 1st excess profits tax on corporations

1931Sweet– on this day the star spangled banner officially became our nation’s anthem.

1971 South African Broadcasting Corp lifts its ban on the Beatles, proving that yes indeed, they are more popular than Jesus and they definitely have more street cred.

1991 LAPD’s impromptu bare-knuckle boxing with Rodney King is caught on tape.

1993- society’s outcasts find a new voice when the Howard Stern radio show premiers in Boston.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

“I know people say that the math doesn’t work out. Folks, I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in those, too.” — Mike Huckabee.

I found it in a great column by George Will in today’s Washington Post. My favorite line of the piece, fittingly Orwellian:

Democrats, who consider equality the value before which the virtuous genuflect, worry that their nomination might be settled by “superdelegates,” who are more equal than others.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Mock the Vote, Daily Rant

As a stunning example of the ignorant, ridiculous, indescribably absurd and flat-out contemptible religiosity of the back-water hole of a state known as West Virginia, Mike Huckabee is still alive in the presidential race. By announcing Huckabee as the victor of the West Virginia GOP convention in the mid-afternoon when most polls were still open, an impossible air of legitimacy rippled through the states where “Deliverance” doubles as a term for being eternally saved from a mythical beast with a pitchfork as well as regional family reunions.

“Why, Sue, are you so bitter?” you might ask.

I am bitter because there is still a part of me that fondly remembers what Republicans used to be all about.

Huckabee, on the other hand, holds nothing in common with traditional Republican values. Only his shared belief in an imaginary man in the sky with a penchant to impregnate nomadic virgins holds any sway with the mind-numbingly delusional party base. Huckabee has as much in common with Barry Goldwater as I do with a one-legged Chinese midget named “Sven.”

And while we’re talking about delusions, all Ron Paul supporters need to shut the hell up. It’s over, and I’m over it. Being lectured by some septuagenarian gold bug spouting about the Constitution while allocating his district the most earmarks of any Congressman in the Houston area just smacks of so much hypocrisy that it makes me throw up a little every time I see him. Newsletters be damned, he’s just another politician and this hero-worship has got to stop.

What isn’t going to stop any time soon is the war. As far as the war in Iraq goes, the results of the general election won’t matter. At all.

If the Democrats wanted out of the war, we’d be out already. I think a lot of Americans — which include anti-war McCain supporters (I know, right?) — acknowledge that. So please forget about “ending” the war in this election. The most pertinent question now is whether we can avoid a war with Iran — and the person left least likely to get us involved in that lost the Democratic strongholds of New York and California last night.

So much for that hope.

As we head into a recession, we can all get ready for a considerably long period of encroaching government, protracted bloody conflict, and general disgust for all things American. My only hope is that when it’s all over it will end like it did the last time things were this bad– with the election of someone like Ronald Reagan.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, Mock the Vote, Daily Rant

“Jeebus helped me quit drinking,” our commander-in-chief is now reminding the American public, who are left to ponder whether things really could have been any worse had he still been on the sauce. After all, even God himself (that is, Eric Clapton) pretty much went in the shitter once he sobered up.

Of course, were it not troubling enough to realize we the American people actually gave control of the nuclear arsenal for a full eight years to a Friend of Bill W, this Dubya has to raise the stakes by demonstrating that he doesn’t even remember what the first step was:

“First is to recognize that there is a higher power,” Bush said. “It helped me in my life. It helped me quit drinking.”

“That’s right, there is a higher power,” Mosely said.

“Step One, right?” Bush said, referring to the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-steps program.

No, sir, step one is admitting you have a problem. How fitting that he should forget that.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, Profiles in Governance