As a stunning example of the ignorant, ridiculous, indescribably absurd and flat-out contemptible religiosity of the back-water hole of a state known as West Virginia, Mike Huckabee is still alive in the presidential race. By announcing Huckabee as the victor of the West Virginia GOP convention in the mid-afternoon when most polls were still open, an impossible air of legitimacy rippled through the states where “Deliverance” doubles as a term for being eternally saved from a mythical beast with a pitchfork as well as regional family reunions.

“Why, Sue, are you so bitter?” you might ask.

I am bitter because there is still a part of me that fondly remembers what Republicans used to be all about.

Huckabee, on the other hand, holds nothing in common with traditional Republican values. Only his shared belief in an imaginary man in the sky with a penchant to impregnate nomadic virgins holds any sway with the mind-numbingly delusional party base. Huckabee has as much in common with Barry Goldwater as I do with a one-legged Chinese midget named “Sven.”

And while we’re talking about delusions, all Ron Paul supporters need to shut the hell up. It’s over, and I’m over it. Being lectured by some septuagenarian gold bug spouting about the Constitution while allocating his district the most earmarks of any Congressman in the Houston area just smacks of so much hypocrisy that it makes me throw up a little every time I see him. Newsletters be damned, he’s just another politician and this hero-worship has got to stop.

What isn’t going to stop any time soon is the war. As far as the war in Iraq goes, the results of the general election won’t matter. At all.

If the Democrats wanted out of the war, we’d be out already. I think a lot of Americans — which include anti-war McCain supporters (I know, right?) — acknowledge that. So please forget about “ending” the war in this election. The most pertinent question now is whether we can avoid a war with Iran — and the person left least likely to get us involved in that lost the Democratic strongholds of New York and California last night.

So much for that hope.

As we head into a recession, we can all get ready for a considerably long period of encroaching government, protracted bloody conflict, and general disgust for all things American. My only hope is that when it’s all over it will end like it did the last time things were this bad– with the election of someone like Ronald Reagan.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, Mock the Vote, Daily Rant

“Jeebus helped me quit drinking,” our commander-in-chief is now reminding the American public, who are left to ponder whether things really could have been any worse had he still been on the sauce. After all, even God himself (that is, Eric Clapton) pretty much went in the shitter once he sobered up.

Of course, were it not troubling enough to realize we the American people actually gave control of the nuclear arsenal for a full eight years to a Friend of Bill W, this Dubya has to raise the stakes by demonstrating that he doesn’t even remember what the first step was:

“First is to recognize that there is a higher power,” Bush said. “It helped me in my life. It helped me quit drinking.”

“That’s right, there is a higher power,” Mosely said.

“Step One, right?” Bush said, referring to the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-steps program.

No, sir, step one is admitting you have a problem. How fitting that he should forget that.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Jesus is Magic, Profiles in Governance

Protestants ♥ freedom and shit…or at least capitalism, which is facilitated by freedom and shit.

I was reading this post over at Tech Liberation Front, which quotes a passage from a 1975 book about telephony that mentions the relationship between the Calvinist work ethic and entrepreneurship, which was particularly pronounced in 19th century America:

[T]he economic rewards of invention under the U.S. patent system were great and well advertised; Bell and others like him knew well enough that the inventor and original backer of the telegraph had become millionaires, and his passion for secrecy about his experiments, along wit his early and intimate association with the Patent Office through Hubbard, suggest how well he realized he might be onto something commercially big. And he was urged on by both his philosophical background and the current social climate in America. The Scottish Calvinism of the nineteenth century made a primary virtue of material success achieved through hard work, and as an example Bell had his countryman Andrew Carnegie, twelve years his senior, who had come to the United States from Scotland in 1848 and by 1875 was already a millionaire in the process of consolidating the largest steel company in the world. As to the social climate, 1875 was the heyday in America of laissez-faire venture capitalism, when men had a kind of savage fury for fame and fortune that the more jaded twentieth century can scarcely conceive of.

Tim Lee, the post’s author, finds the last sentence of that passage out of step with today’s reality, but I disagree. The spirit of innovation and invention that swept America in the 19th century far surpasses the isolated pockets of innovation that exist in today’s America, and I think there are two reasons.

First is that innovation today is somewhat more difficult to detect: packing more information on a microchip or creating a cell phone that can take pictures is hardly an improvement in quality of life on par with the improvements afforded by electricity, light bulbs, telephones, elevators, steam engines, and yes, the dishwasher, which was invented by an Illinois socialite. Change is less dramatic today, and thus, there’s less opportunity for fame and fortune of the kind that 19th century inventors enjoyed. Who knows the name of the dude who invented the cell phone camera or the halogen light bulb? No one. But we all know Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas Edison. Of course there are occasional exceptions and notable inventors and innovators–like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, the Google dudes, etc.–but mostly people tend to think of them as the figureheads of multinational corporations, not rugged individualist inventors in the mold of their predecessors.

Second gets more at the mention of Calvinism in the passage. In addition to there being less of a sense of urgency about the physical need to invent things to make life better, the decline in religiosity is likely a significant contributor to the decline in the spirit of invention. I, for one, would work far harder in my secular vocation if a.) I believed in god and b.) I believed that god would prefer it if I worked harder. That’s sort of why I dig Calvinism, except for the whole austerity thing. No matter what you do in life, God has already chosen the elect, those who will be saved and get to chill in heaven. But to be a good Calvinist, you have to put a lot of zeal into proving to others that you’re part of the elect, by working as hard as you can in the name of God in this life. Now as a non-believer, keeping up appearances for the sake of others and showing that I’m part of the modern-day elect (read: the cool kids) is most of why I do the basic minimum to hold down a job. But hells yeah, if I thought god cared and wanted me to do better (and more importantly, if I thought I’d go to hell if I didn’t do better), maybe I’d put some effort into it.

Anyway, the relationship between protestantism and the roots of modern capitalism is pretty interesting: you should work hard, but not live lavishly–so what to do with your hard-earned pennies? Invest them in the means of more production! Jebus lubs investment in productive capital. If you’re interested and haven’t read it, Max Weber’s The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism is a pretty quick read, and it’s available for free online. Ironically. Religiosity declines and all of a sudden books are free! World gone mad.

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Filed under: The Dismal Science, Consumerism Rulez, Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

The 1st Amendment rights to free expression of religion and free speech are fundamental to the American concept of freedom and shit. This little ditty from box office legend Tom Cruise is a brilliant example of the “shit” that can come out of one’s mouth when speaking about one’s crazy-ass Amway-style religion.

I call it “Human Train Wreck.”

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic

It has become apparent that a bill in English Parliament to disestablish the C of E has the blessing of Lucifer himself:

Eyebrows were raised in the House of Commons on Thursday when a motion calling for the Church of England to be disestablished was listed with the number 666, symbol of the AntiChrist.

“This number is supposed to be the mark of the Devil. It looks as though God or the Devil have been moving in mysterious ways,” said Bob Russell, a Liberal Democrat MP among those proposing the motion for debate.

“What is even stranger is that this motion was tabled last night when MPs were debating blasphemy,” he added.

There you have it. Satan backs Liberal Democrats.

Vote conservative or burn in eternal hellfire, heathens.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Mock the Vote

The results are in, and Barack Obama has been selected as the most popular black man in Iowa. (This may have something to do with being the only black man in Iowa.)

Yes, as per tradition, a bunch of ethanol-slurping white people gathered in buildings across the state and — I’m not making this up — stood in an assigned corner of a room to indicate their preference for their particular candidate. Sheepish undecideds stand in the middle of the room in order to be persuaded by the more decisive hillbillies, in what amounts to adult revenge for being the last kids picked in kickball years before.

A fitting tribute to the victor (and vanquished) here.

As an added bonus, the more ass-backward lot of Iowans, hereafter referred to as “Republicans,” picked a man who has publicly denied believing in evolution. To wit, we F&S’ers need to settle on a name for the former Arkansas gubernatorial chubbster-in-chief. I’ve decided to have my own worthless informal poll (feel free to write-in suggestions in the comments section):

1)Mike Suckabee

2)Mike Schmuckabee

3)Mike Shouldgofuckhimselfabee

The highlight of the Huckabee campaign has to be his recent press conference denouncing his own negative ad against Mitt ‘Magic Underpants’ Romney (who believes in a religion pulled out of a hat…literally). He said he would not air the ad on television or distribute it to reporters, but he would show it anyway so they would know what they were not going to see.

Subsequently, the ad ran three times on New Year’s Eve. But even if we assume that the running was truly against his wishes, to hold a press conference to show an ad you don’t want people to see is saying “You know, if I wasn’t such a nice guy, I’d say Mitt Romney’s mom was a filthy whore. But I am a nice guy, so I also won’t say Mitt Romney is a cocksucker. Vote Huckabee.”

Next stop, New Hampshire.

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic, Mock the Vote

I must confess, I have at times contemplated a vocation in the Catholic Church. The incense, the fancy outfits and the easy access to confused adolescent boys have all been tempting inducements. Now, however, with the most recent pronouncement from His Holiness Benedict XVI, I think my time has come.

 It seems the Pope is hot under the big hat to establish a new cadre of exorcism squads to, you know, cast out the evil spirits that are infecting more and more young people these days.  Satanism is more powerful than ever, what with the popularity of shows like I Love New York and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. Could there be any clearer a sign?

Now that I know how desperately the Pope needs my help, it’s time for me to start a new career as Exorcist Plenipotentiary of the Holy Mother Church. And while my ordination make take a little while, I offer the following guarantees. Wherever a group of teenagers are playing Dungeons & Dragons, I will be there. A party where Black Sabbath is on the stereo? I will be there. And any place where reckless pleasure seeking is taking precedence over the committment to holiness, I will be there. You’re all on notice, sinners. 

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Filed under: Jesus is Magic

What is it that makes activists incapable of having a sense of humor? Whether it’s conservatives who get their holy undergarments in a twist over a community street fair or leftists freaking out over a simple bake sale, the answer to anything they don’t like always seems to be screeching like a bitch. Which, in their defense, they’re extremely good at.

The latest horror story? Greenpeace has discovered that the Japanese are torturing whales. By…making them wear Santa hats. It’s just all too shocking:

It’s a scene that brings laughter and cheers from visitors to a Japanese aquarium - two white beluga whales wearing Santa hats.

But environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale in a country that hunts them down with harpoons.

The beluga whales have been fitted out with the cute Santa hats to entertain the crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island.

There’s even a chance to receive a wet kiss under the mistletoe from a yuletide beluga.

The Daily Mail doesn’t take the story to it’s natural end, though. I’m sure there is more activist outrage to be had. Human rights groups will no doubt protest that the whales - who, being Japanese, are probably practitioners of Shinto traditions - are being forced to don Christian-affiliated items. The Christians will protest that this is a trivialization of Christmas, as there were no beluga whales in the barn with the sheep and camels when Baby Jesus was born. And Rick Santorum will proclaim that he was right all along about  gay marriage leading to bestiality; after all, people in Japan are now paying for the chance to make out with whales - in public!

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

From the WSJ:

MOUNT LAUREL, N.J. — Mary and Joseph were headed for Bethlehem when the donkey hauling the Virgin spooked, bucked her and bolted. Joseph frantically jumped on the donkey’s hind end but fell off and got caught in the reins. The creature kept going, dragging Joseph behind for several hundred feet before it finally settled down.

That mishap, of course, doesn’t appear in the Bible. It’s from a so-called living nativity scene that was performed here two years ago at the Fellowship Baptist Church.

Oh Lord. It gets better:

Pastor Wallin himself was a victim of a sheep gone wild one year at Fellowship Baptist’s living nativity, which still features a small flock of the wooly mammals. He tried to stop the fleeing sheep by squeezing it between his legs and ended up going for a ride, backward, before falling off.

Jesus may not go with evolution, but he obviously gets along fabulously with the market:

As the popularity of living nativity scenes has spread to urban areas with little access to farm animals, churches shell out upwards of $1,000 per animal (or $3,000 per camel) to rent out friendly beasts from handlers and other businesses that have sprouted up to cater to them.

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Filed under: Consumerism Rulez, Jesus is Magic

The St. Petersburg Times is reporting today on the hilarious case of Methodist minister Brian James, and his falling away from God’s good graces. It seems that Brian has become addicted to jerking off in front of his computer. Or, as he put it in a message to his congregation, “I need to share with you that I have developed an addiction to adult online pornography.” Adult, folks! No kiddies here.

Let’s be honest here - the practice of self-pleasure via online video is hardly rare these days. What, I’m wondering, qualifies it in the minister’s mind as an addiction? Is he, even now, going through Trainspotting-style withdrawl symptoms? Poor fella. If so, I’m going to give him the advice for survival that Renton gave himself. Here are the necessary supplies:

Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography [print, not online].

Despite not knowing what the fuck “paracetamol” is, I’m sure that with these supplies and the love and support of your friends and family, Mr. James, you’ll kick that addiction to online adult pornography. Just remember, it could be worse - you could have been exposed as the author of a series of Xena slash fic stories.

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic