From the NYT:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) — Arkansas’ marriage-age crisis is over. A law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission was repealed by a measure signed into law Wednesday by Gov. Mike Beebe, ending months of embarrassment for the state and confusion for county clerks.

Months of embarrassment? This is Arkansas. When have they not been an embarrassment?

Lawmakers didn’t realize until after the end of last year’s regular session that a law they approved, intended to establish 18 as the minimum age for marriage, instead removed the minimum age to marry entirely. An extraneous ”not” in the bill allowed anyone who was not pregnant to marry at any age with permission.

The bill read: ”In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage.”

I’m surprised they managed to catch the problem. In March 2006, the State of Arkansas Department of Education goal — yes, goal — for high school (9-12) literacy proficiency by the end of the year was 35.5%.

Next on the agenda: No Legislator Left Behind.

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Filed under: Politics is Personal, Sexxx, Profiles in Governance

I don’t normally read advice columns, but when scanning headlines over at the Chicago Tribune, this Jerry Springer-esque header caught my attention: Son tells mom he’s having affair, puts her in the middle.

Ew.

The story isn’t nearly as interesting as the headline would suggest, but that’s to be expected from the Trib. But since I was already there, I read the following letter:

Dear Amy: I am a 12-year-old girl. I am very tomboyish and have never been attracted to boys.

I am friends with a boy; we love professional basketball and talk about it 24/7.

I think he likes me because he is always smiling and gazing at me, and he nods weirdly toward me.

I am so confused. I feel special, as if I’m the only one in the world, when I talk to him. I don’t think I like him. But I’m not sure what’s going on because I’ve been such a tomboy and haven’t been paying attention to romantic stuff. Do I like him? Does he like me? Should I just talk about the NBA and ignore everything else?

– Basketball Fan

Dear Fan: You do like your friend. He also likes you. Even tomboys get crushes on people, and whether you are attracted to boys in general doesn’t really matter right now.

You both display classic crush symptoms: non-stop talking, weird nods, feeling special and being confused about it all.

All of this is normal.

At your age, you shouldn’t have to worry too much about what the future holds. Relax, enjoy this special friendship and learn to listen closely to your own feelings. Your feelings will guide you. Even if your feelings change over the course of this friendship, that’s normal too.

And I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but liking the NBA does not make you a lesbian.

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Filed under: Sexxx, Pop! Goes the Culture

Finally, we have an update on the case of former Maria Cantwell scheduler James Michael McHaney. He was arrested by the FBI last year for - allegedly! - trying to arrange a mid-day sexual encounter with a 13 year old. He has now pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography instead. And for someone who is only 28, he had quite a collection:

Prosecutors said he had more than 1,000 images of child pornography, as well as videos and DVDs portraying children as young as three engaged in sexual conduct.

Is it just me, or are pedophiles themselves getting younger and younger? I would have associated a stash of this magnitude with a mouth breather in his mid-50s, easily identifiable by his narrow, crooked mustache and trademark pedosmile. In any case, let the getting-raped-in-prison jokes fly.

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Filed under: Sexxx

Authorities in Loudon County, VA have decided to pull a children’s book from its library shelves because two male penguins decide to raise an egg together:

In the book, male penguins Roy and Silo team up to care for another pair’s egg. As a family, they hatch and raise a chick named Tango.

…

“Every child might not be ready for that,” [public information officer for Loudoun County Public Schools Wayde] Byard said. “They might not be mature enough to deal with that subject matter.”

It is safe to assume that there is no gay penguin sex in the book — so I have to wonder what in the hell Loudon County Public School officials are thinking when they read children’s books.

Dirty bastards.

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Filed under: Sexxx, Pop! Goes the Culture

Via Daily Dish:

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Filed under: Afternoon Dance Party, Sexxx, Pop! Goes the Culture

In America, teachers get fired for sleeping with their students. In Britain, a teacher may lose her job because she appeared in a “raunchy” commercial. (raunchy? Oh, those Brits are so quaint.)

STOCKPORT A teacher has been suspended from her post at an independent school after pupils identified her on the internet as a model shown simulating sex in a “raunchy” advertisement for workwear. Sarah Green, an English teacher, has been asked to stay away from Stockport Grammar School, in Greater Manchester, while staff investigate concerns raised by parents. She is alleged to be one of three women shown fully clothed but simulating sex with workmen in a promotion to sell Scruffs workwear. The clip, shot before she joined the school, is on YouTube : Younger readers should consult with a parent or guardian before watching it.

I don’t give a damn how old you are. Watch the video:

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Filed under: Consumerism Rulez, Sexxx

Now I don’t quite buy the whole “sex-will-save us-all” shtick, but slappin’ skins does go a long way toward a healthy body and healthy mind (warning: syphilis may diminish net benefits). In fact, abstinence, aside from being generally uncool, may have surprising negative consequences. Those who boff like bunnies may actually live longer, more fulfilling lives than their puritanical brethren. A few choice excerpts from a Forbes article:

The best that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it’s harmless when practiced in moderation.

In one of the most credible studies … tracked the mortality of about 1,000 middle-aged men over the course of a decade. … Its findings, published in 1997 in the British Medical Journal, were that men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death rate half that of the laggards. … In a 2001 follow-on … by having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.

Sex, if nothing else, is exercise. A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories–about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. … Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles. …

A 2002 study of 293 women … reported that sexually active participants whose male partners did not use condoms were less subject to depression than those whose partners did. One theory of causality: Prostoglandin, a hormone found only in semen, may be absorbed in the female genital tract. …

Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge to five times their normal level. This in turn releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache to arthritis to even migraine. In women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS. … individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system. …

Better teeth: Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to retard tooth decay. Since this is a family Web site, we will omit discussion of the mineral delivery system. …

A study recently published by the British Journal of Urology International asserts that men in their 20s can reduce by a third their chance of getting prostate cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week. … Erectile dysfunction … may be telling you that you have diseased blood vessels elsewhere in your body. … “Men who exercise and have a good heart and low heart rate, and who are cardio-fit, have firmer erections. There very definitely is a relationship.”

Regular sessions can not only firm a woman’s tummy and buttocks but also improve her posture … [though] sometimes you can have a lubrication problem.

Women who abstain from sex run some risks. In postmenopausal women, these include vaginal atrophy…

All this time I thought I was a lecherous bastard but, as it turns out, I’m an aspiring fitness guru.

Via Overcoming Bias

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Filed under: Sexxx

Friday is “World Orgasm Day.” While one would think a day like this would just be for getting one’s jollies, there is a deeper and more meaningful purpose to this (other than the obligatory post-coital cuddle):

The day works like this: people from all over the world are encouraged to synchronise their orgasms at the exact moment of the Summer Solstice, which Down Under occurs this Friday at 5:08pm. This is supposed to bring positive energy to the earth, promote peace, engender empathy, compassion and love, and even combat global warming.

So, who wants to sleep with me to save the planet?

via Fark.

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Filed under: Sexxx

What is it that makes activists incapable of having a sense of humor? Whether it’s conservatives who get their holy undergarments in a twist over a community street fair or leftists freaking out over a simple bake sale, the answer to anything they don’t like always seems to be screeching like a bitch. Which, in their defense, they’re extremely good at.

The latest horror story? Greenpeace has discovered that the Japanese are torturing whales. By…making them wear Santa hats. It’s just all too shocking:

It’s a scene that brings laughter and cheers from visitors to a Japanese aquarium - two white beluga whales wearing Santa hats.

But environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale in a country that hunts them down with harpoons.

The beluga whales have been fitted out with the cute Santa hats to entertain the crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island.

There’s even a chance to receive a wet kiss under the mistletoe from a yuletide beluga.

The Daily Mail doesn’t take the story to it’s natural end, though. I’m sure there is more activist outrage to be had. Human rights groups will no doubt protest that the whales - who, being Japanese, are probably practitioners of Shinto traditions - are being forced to don Christian-affiliated items. The Christians will protest that this is a trivialization of Christmas, as there were no beluga whales in the barn with the sheep and camels when Baby Jesus was born. And Rick Santorum will proclaim that he was right all along about  gay marriage leading to bestiality; after all, people in Japan are now paying for the chance to make out with whales - in public!

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic, Pop! Goes the Culture

The St. Petersburg Times is reporting today on the hilarious case of Methodist minister Brian James, and his falling away from God’s good graces. It seems that Brian has become addicted to jerking off in front of his computer. Or, as he put it in a message to his congregation, “I need to share with you that I have developed an addiction to adult online pornography.” Adult, folks! No kiddies here.

Let’s be honest here - the practice of self-pleasure via online video is hardly rare these days. What, I’m wondering, qualifies it in the minister’s mind as an addiction? Is he, even now, going through Trainspotting-style withdrawl symptoms? Poor fella. If so, I’m going to give him the advice for survival that Renton gave himself. Here are the necessary supplies:

Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography [print, not online].

Despite not knowing what the fuck “paracetamol” is, I’m sure that with these supplies and the love and support of your friends and family, Mr. James, you’ll kick that addiction to online adult pornography. Just remember, it could be worse - you could have been exposed as the author of a series of Xena slash fic stories.

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Filed under: Sexxx, Jesus is Magic